The Strength of the Fast

     
     This past weekend, the leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints invited the world to participate in a special Fast on April 10, 2020, to help us to reach a solution to the Coronavirus and its effects. This invitation was to everyone, regardless of religion, creed, nationality, or overall belief system, and in response, citizens from around the globe, have all come together in support of the health and well-being of this world we share. 

     This has, understandably, resulted in questions from those who are not members of the LDS church: 

     I am not a member of your faith, can I still join?

     Am I worthy to fast as well?

     I want to add my support, but how do I fast properly?

     I am in awe of the outpouring of love and support from around the globe, and feel to offer my thoughts, based on my experience and study, to help those who are wanting to join with us. 

My Daily Manifesto - revised

Anthony, as you enter a state of meditation, I am powerfully reminding you of things that I already 

know, and awakening your subconscious to ideas that I already recognize as truth. These ideas strengthen and empower us, because they are reminders of the ideals to which I have committed, and I am training you to complete everything I have committed to. As We sleep at night and work throughout the day, our subconscious mind works on these truths, driving Us towards achieving success, and We receive the abundance that comes with that success. 

As our mind and body relax, deeply breathing in and out, focus on our breath, and allow the busy thoughts of our mind to become neutral, and accept the truths that I share. Each deep breath reminds us that I am in control of our body and our mind, and that every thought is simply information to be evaluated. Remember that I am the one who decides which thoughts best serve us and our goals. 

I am Anthony DeNovellis.

I am Warrior Who Acts in Power.

I am a son of the Mighty King and Queen.

I am a Divine Warrior.

I am a King, and I protect the Queen as I honor, reverence, and protect all women as daughters of God, and as Queens and Goddesses.

I am a Warrior for Women and Families.

I am a Powerful Creator.

I am descended from Warriors, and I choose to carry their legacy.

I am Pure and Faithful.

I hear Heavenly Fathers voice and I heed His call.

I align myself with Gods will and do it.

I am a Guardian over my Brothers and Sisters.

I am a loving, patient and kind Father.

I am a loving, supportive, and protective husband.

I am kind.

I am patient.

I am true and authentic to my highest and best self.

I am confident, humble, vulnerable and honest.

I am unconditional in my love and I am filled with charity.

As a Warrior

I am 100% confident in myself and my abilities, and I choose to be completely honest and vulnerable.

I embody the light of Christ in my dealings with all of Gods children.

I am a protector of women.

I am humble, meek, and authentic.

I am constantly increasing in the Spirit of Discernment, and I recognize Satanic attacks in time to forestall each battle.

I am able to see and discern spirits, energies, and forces with my physical and spiritual eyes, and instantly recognize and understand their intent.

I quickly and easily discern, understand, and avoid the attacks and fighting methods Satan tries on my mind, heart and spirit.

I am in perfect control of my physical and spiritual energy, and use it appropriately to protect and heal those I love.

I create and use powerful spiritual and physical defenses against Satan’s attacks.

I seek out, develop, and use techniques and weapons in my actions, words, thoughts, feelings and chemical switches, which allow me to win every battle that comes my way.

I am filled with, and act on, the desire to work hard to train and to become stronger, faster and more precise with these techniques and weapons, and so win every battle.

I remember why I am fighting and why I am training so hard, and I am filled with the motivation and courage necessary to act and protect my life, my family, and our freedom.

I easily overcome evil, and continually grow in goodness and light.

I am free of all effects of addiction, and I help my brothers and sisters free themselves.

I powerfully train fellow warriors in the battle against Satan and his forces of darkness.

I am surrounded by fellow Warriors who are committed to my success.  

I ask for and accept help in achieving my righteous goals.

I ferociously protect and defend myself, my children, and my wife.

I am energetically and spatially free of all cords, bonds, snares, and devices of the adversary.

When I feel tempted, I am an expert at immediately recognizing it and choosing the right. 

In my Mind

I have eternal perspective. I live in the present, and see the future as if it has already happened, allowing me to immediately recognize and act on those things that propel me to my goal.

All of my thoughts are virtuous, and I immediately dispel and banish all impure thoughts and feelings, replacing them with purity and light.

I only entertain pure and righteous thoughts, because I am a pure being.

I am in complete control of my thoughts, and I only allow space for thoughts that serve my purpose as a Warrior for Women and Families.

I do Belief Breakthrough subconsciously, easily seeking out and replacing every limiting belief with beliefs that serve my highest and best self.

I am peaceful in every circumstance, and create a space of peace everywhere I go.

I am a powerful master of my emotions, and give myself permission to fully feel each one of them when it serves me to do so.  

I am a master of my time, I accomplish every needful thing.

I am mentally and emotionally free of all cords, bonds, snares, and devices of the adversary.

I am completely healed of all mental and emotional effects of addiction and betrayal trauma.

I regularly write down my thoughts and feelings, in order to recognize patterns in my behavior. 

In my Health

I process everything perfectly, and quickly release everything that my body does not need.

I am a loving master of my body.

I am a master of my creation energy, and I channel and express all of it appropriately and productively.  

All of my sexual urges and desires are manifest as pure and righteous creation.

I immediately detect chemical shifts in my brain and body, and my brain releases appropriate Warrior chemicals to heal and strengthen me in times of temptation.

I am and act physically strong, powerful, and protective.

I am and act flexible, nimble, and quick in my movements.

I am and act physically fit to do everything I need to. 

I dance often and I am confident in how my body moves. 

I move easily and joyfully when I dance, and I am good at it.

I joyfully play with my children and am comfortable and at peace as I do.

My movements are a deliberate and natural expression of my highest and best feelings.

I appropriately use my skills and strength. 

I easily heal all of my physical ailments by righteously releasing the emotions that cause them.

My eyes and eyelids are healthy and whole, and every part of them performs perfectly and normally. 

My teeth and gums are healed and healthy, and my mouth is whole and perfect. 

I easily and joyfully release all stress and tension from my head, neck, and back. 

I am relaxed and free.

I create and use time every day to strengthen my body and allow it to grow and heal.

I am physically free of all cords, bonds, snares, devices, and muscle memory having to do with addiction.

I am completely healed of all physical effects of addiction and impure sexual practices.

I am whole, and my body is perfect.

My body easily and powerfully supports me. 

In my Wealth

I am worthy of all of the abundance Heavenly Father has for me.

I easily and effortlessly find, create, and use resources for the benefit of my eternal family.

I am use my wealth to create abundance for my family. 

I consciously create value and people happily pay me for it.

God Trusts me with money.

I easily manifest and receive $100,000 per month.

Making money is easy for me, and I do it every day.

 I confidently, joyfully, and easily sell my products and services online, on TV, and in person. 

I am a master of my resources, and use them to create and accept wealth and abundance.

I create and accept wealth and abundance every time I host an event or class.

I create goals and plan regularly for their success.

I focus my efforts on the most important things.

I work powerfully and consciously until I achieve my goals.

I find joy and satisfaction in my work.

I use my resources to bless others and bring happiness to the world.

I teach my children to live in all kinds of abundance and share it with others.

I am a star on Food Network, selling myself as a The Limitless Chef. 

In my Power

I listen to the Holy Spirit and immediately heed its promptings.

I powerfully confess my temptations and trials. 

I joyfully and willingly accept feedback, and apply what best serves me in achieving my goal.

I see others as their highest and best selves, and treat them so.

I am a reflection of Christ’s love, and I share it unconditionally.

I am of infinite worth, and that knowledge humbles me and leads me to be perfectly honest.

I am in love with myself and am committed to my success.

I choose my reality, and powerfully live it.

I am my own kind of awesomeness.

I trust myself, my ideas, and my actions.

I am perfectly situated where I am in my journey, and I continue to move forward.

I perform Belief Breakthrough daily so that my perception is clear and I am open to receive.

I constantly call miracles into creation, for myself and for others.

I forgive everybody, every time. Always.

I forgive myself, for everything, because of the love I have for myself.

I listen to and act immediately on divine inspiration.

I am worthy of all the blessings of my birthright as a child of God. 

I act powerfully and consciously until I get what I want.

I powerfully create support groups that support me in creating my masterpiece life.

Taking care of my own needs is empowering.

I maintain my relationships only through pure and righteous expressions of love.

In My Marriage

I am unconditional in all of my thoughts, actions, and situations. 

I am unconditional in my love for My wife, and I am committed to the success of My marriage. 

I am unconditional in sexual intimacy. I express my desire to My wife, and I am happy and content with whatever response she gives. 

I am unconditional in expressing my love for my wife, and I am an expert at doing it in every way. 

I am unconditionally faithful to my wife, in my thoughts, words, and actions. 

I plan for and take My wife  on weekly dates, and use that time to create and enhance the connection between us. 

I express all of my thoughts through loving words and actions. 

I create time every day to love and nurture myself, and use it to strengthen my mind, body, and spirit. 

I am the man that God wants me to be for my wife, because I choose to be a man of God.

I am Anthony DeNovellis, the Warrior Who Acts in Power, defending and upholding purity and virtue. 

I love my life, and I choose to keep living it every day. 

x

Jealousy, and what it really means

I have been officially single for a month now, and have been on a few dates with some fun and interesting women. That's all it has been, though - fun and interesting. I'm not looking for another wife, or even a girlfriend right now, because I have learned in the past few months how emotionally damaged I have been, and how much work I have to do on myself before I can bring another person back into my life.

After 18 years of wrapping my emotional world around a single woman, it has been hard to extricate myself from the expectation that she should care about me.

Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately) you don't get divorced from someone, you get divorced to someone, especially when children are involved. I am still very much a part of Marianne's life, as we are figuring out this co-parenting thing, and she has found joy in telling me about her dating life.

As I have been listening to her talk about all the guys she has been out with, how cute they are, how often she goes out, how she likes to flirt across the room with cute guys and ask her friends to hook her up, you know what comes up for me?

Oh, you know it -

Jealousy. The green eyed monster that reaches inside and squeezes me behind the sternum, while breathing hot in my face and filling my mind with a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings, what-ifs and why-nots.

Watching the woman I loved for nearly 18 years (yeah, we were high-school sweethearts), telling me with abandon about how she is falling in love with dating and these other men who shower her with attention and affection, I have felt a jealousy that borders on rage.

And you know what? I'm OK with that.

I'm still working on me - my emotional triggers and anchors, my reactions to situations that are no longer my concern, trying to figure out who and what I am, on my own, when I'm not being a doormat. I started out by trying to out-do her dating happiness with my own - who I was making friends with, how much fun I was having, the trips I was planning. Then I realized - I think she was in love with me for the last 18 years, too. She dedicated her life to me, at least for most of that time. If what I am telling her causes her to feel anything like what I am feeling, I don't want to be a part of that - because even though I can't emotion her, I sure can be an influence on the emotions she feels. I chose to start keeping my life a closed book when it comes to what I tell Marianne.

Dealing with jealousy gets to be a part of the work I am doing on myself. In the past month, I have been able to take a good, long look at the green-eyed monster, and how it shows up in my life - and then to look it in the eyes, and tell it that I know where it comes from, and that I know how to remove it.

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I have learned that jealousy shows up in 3 distinct ways in my life, and when I break it down to these three, it is a lot easier to identify and remove the emotion from the facts before I allow it to fester into depression or self-condemnation (still working on the not-lashing-out part of the equation). Here, I'm just touching a bit on what I have learned:

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1.) Longing - The feeling of "I want to be able to do what you do." 

       For me, this is the most positive of the three - watching a dancer, artist, cook, or craftsman, and having a yearning for the ability to spontaneously create like they do. Watching an athlete perform and wishing my body moved with the same effortless grace. It is a an expression of wanting to be better, to improve, to learn and master a new skill.

       When I feel this, I now take a deep look at what I want to create in my life - and then ask if what it is I feel a longing to do will fit into it.

       - Does it fit into my life vision to become a skilled and accomplished West Coast Swing Dancer?
         
            Yes, I think it does.

       - Does it fit into my life vision to become a professional base-jumper and travel the world parachuting from mountain tops?

           Well, um, no, actually...

       Asking myself a simple question intellectualizes the emotion, and helps to take away the judgement of the moment :

       "Will investing the time and money to create the same level of that skill/ability in myself fit into what I want to create in my life right now?" 

     If the answer is "Yes", then I start making a plan for how I am going to create that in my life.

     If the answer is "No" (and it often is), I let go of the longing, and allow myself to enjoy watching a master at their craft. I have several ways of doing this, having learned from many mentors over the years.

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2.) Envy - The feeling of "I want what you have."

      This one is a bit more touchy, and can more quickly transform into unhealthy habits in my life. It has included - "I want your car.", "I want your lifestyle.", "I want your sandwich.", " I want that bauble-thingy on your review mirror."

       It can easily turn from a simple desire for a thing or circumstance, and become an obsession to constantly be and have the same as, or more, or better than the next guy - and I would end up wasting a lot of time and money in the pursuit.

      I intellectualize this feeling, by applying almost the same question as the last one:

    "Will investing the time and money to bring that object/lifestyle into my life, fit into what I want to create in my life right now?" 

     If the answer is "Yes", then I look at my bank account and start making a plan for how I am going to bring object/circumstance into my life.

     If the answer is "No" (and it often is), I let go of the desire for that object/circumstance, and allow myself be happy for the person who has it. I have several ways of doing this, as well.

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3.) Inadequacy - The feeling of "Why didn't...", "If only...", "I wish...", "Not...enough"

     This is the biggest one for me - and the one that comes up most often when I think of Marianne these days. It usually manifests as a series of questions and statements that work together to convince that I am somehow lacking.

      "Why didn't she invest this much time and money into dating me, and keeping our marriage healthy?"
      
       "If only I wasn't a scumbag, and was able to regulate and handle my emotions in healthy ways, she would still love me."

       "I wish I was a better husband/father/man, because she obviously has had her eye on other men who are better than me. I guess I didn't measure up to the competition."

       "I was not good/kind/passionate enough for Marianne to want to keep me."

        These are only a few of the things that go through my head when I think about Marianne dating, and some of the most tame. I have run the gamut of self-loathing, doubt, shame, depression, anger, sadness  - all because of one belief that I held:

         < Marianne chose out of our marriage because I am an inadequate husband, and she wants 

         a better one. I am not worth the time or effort it would take to help me become the man she                    wanted, and it was easier to toss me aside and replace me. >

       Whether this belief is the truth or not is irrelevant - I have asked Marianne for months why she chose out, and she has yet to answer me. I decided to find my own meaning in what happened.

        With this one, I learned to ask myself a different kind of question:

        "Am I in control of whether or or not I am adequate for this person?" 

       And the answer?

       A resounding "NO!"

       I do not have control over whether Marianne feels that I am adequate, whether as a husband, a father, a dancer, a chef, or a kite-flying kazoo musician. I only have control over how I feel about myself, and how I show up and choose to behave.

      The bottom-line truth for me is this - Marianne made a choice, and that choice was to opt out of our marriage. Her choice was 100% her own, and based on her own reasoning. Whatever her reasons were, I know what it is inside me that I need to work on, and I am learning to see the good that I already embody.

       When I recognize that I am feeling jealousy that is based in my own feelings of inadequacy, when that green-eyed monster walks up and tells me, "You were never enough, and never will be. There are so many better men out there than you.", I am learning to look him right in the eye and say,

        "That isn't up to me. I am enough for me right now, and I am content with who and what I am becoming."

And I am learning to release the feelings of inadequacy, and choose to be grateful for the opportunity to once again look inside myself and do some more healing. It isn't a perfect process yet, but it's working for me as I learn and grow.

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        The ending of our marriage was not my choice, but it is what I now have the opportunity to learn and grow from. I have released a lot of beliefs and perceptions that I used to hold, beliefs that for years convinced me I was not a good husband, even while trying to be that good husband.

         Yes, for the first ten years of our marriage, I was a hot mess of a husband. I was a porn and sex addict, I lied, I cheated on Marianne, I lost job after job after job. Marianne stayed with me, and I believe it was out of love, and a belief in my ability to change.

        Four years ago, though, I chose completely into our marriage, and I started turning my life around, and I became a man that Marianne said she was proud of, and happy to be married to. It was a long, hard road for both of us, and I was convinced that we were on the high road to eternity together. I became a doting husband  - waking up early to make breakfast, staying up late to make sure the house was clean when Marianne woke up, studying her every desire so I could best provide for what she wanted and needed. I learned to see deeper into who she is, to love and appreciate her beyond how she looked, or what she did. I learned to simply stop and watch her, and be grateful for the wonderful woman that she is. I overlooked a lot of red flags in the past year, trying to maintain that feeling. In the end, it wasn't enough. 

        Now, our marriage is over. I am single again. I get to figure out how to create a life on my own, while still being entwined in the life of the woman who chose out of our marriage. I get to learn new lessons about myself, and grow into the man I want to be, instead of the man I am told I need to be. I'm finding my own path, and discovering the wonder it is to not really know what is coming next, and being willing to walk into it anyway.

I am learning to see myself as not only adequate, but as a genuinely good man, who will be a good husband again. some day. It has been hard, some days, to see it, but I have good friends who have helped me. I am growing. I am learning. I am opening myself up to, well, myself.


And so far, I am happy with the progress I am making.

More to the Story

For the past two years, Marianne's and my marriage has been a part of the public purview, as a shining example of what success in marriage looks like. Overcoming infidelity! Choosing into unconditional! Recognizing that the person with the problem, has the problem! Choosing love as our foundation, no matter the trials!

Coming together and building our marriage entity was an amazing journey, and it was a great story. We taught seminars, we posted videos and Facebook posts about our breakthroughs and our successes, crediting our mentors and friends who helped us get there, using our success to help build our own and others business. The success we had was real - we felt more connected and in love than we ever had before.

Until our marriage began to fall apart. Once we began to struggle, Marianne asked me not to post anything about it. She wanted us to work it out between ourselves, and then talk about it after we had figure things out.

Well, we did figure things out.

I realized that for all of the people who watched our amazing growth and healing over the past two years, have no idea what happened. They were told and taught that we were this power couple, who were living a 10/10 marriage, who could weather any adversity.

Then, suddenly, we are divorced, and they see my posts of hurting and loneliness, and wonder what the heck happened.

I have always done my best to post as I have seen things, from my own perspective, and recognizing that I have only a narrow view of the whole truth. Below is what I was feeling, and dealing with last night. If it comes across as accusatory or in any way defaming, I apologize. I am speaking what I experienced, what I saw in my life as our life together came to an end.

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It has been a week since our divorce was finalized, and today it really hit me hard.

Thinking about the nearly two decades we worked together to build a relationship, a family, a home.

All of the mistakes I made - the pornography, the lies, the infidelity. All of the pain I brought into Marianne’s life because of the baggage I brought into our marriage.

Four years ago, after cheating on Marianne, we both chose back into our marriage. We decided to start our marriage over. I completely cut ties to the other women, and to this day have never made contact again. I struggled to overcome the temptations and urges. I slipped, I made poor choices, I made mistakes, but overall it was an upward climb.

I got better. I became more patient, more loving, more service oriented. I listened to counselors, mentors, friends, bishops - I took their advice and I grew into a better man, a better husband. I listened to what Marianne wanted, and I did my best to provide for it. I sent her on trips with her girlfriends, with her tribe, by herself. Hawaii, Disneyland, Kenya - wherever she wanted to go, whatever she wanted to do, I said yes, because I wanted her to be happy, and I wanted to help provide that happiness, after all I had done to take it away.

I worked hard towards rebaptism, after being excommunicated for three years. It was painful, tortuous at times, and while Marianne supported me for much of it, there were times I had to endure a lot of her doubt and chastisement when I did not seem to be making progress. She had her own journey of healing she was on, so I endured it quietly, believing I deserved every bit, and more. I came to firmly believe that every problem in our marriage stemmed from me, and my infidelity. I had to prove to Marianne that I loved her, and needed to do it how she wanted me to, so she would recognize it as progress.

A year ago, I was rebaptized, and Marianne stood in front of the council and declared she had seen a mighty change in me, and that I was a different man. She was proud of who I was now, she loved me more than ever, and she looked forward to being my eternal companion.

That’s when life became busier - Marianne took on more responsibilities with her work, more opportunities, and so became increasingly more engrossed in her mentoring, and jewelry, and YouTube. She would spend more and more hours every week with her mentor, planning and creating together. When she was emotional, or we were struggling, she would rely on him for help and support before coming home to tell me all about it. They became so close that she was referred to as his “second wife”, and visitors at events often assumed they were married.

When she was worn out from work, she would go out for “Bro Nights”, where she and a group of guys would play video games until late into the night, while I stayed home with the kids. (It gets expensive to get babysitters, you know) She often told me that she felt more comfortable going out with guys to do "guy" stuff, like Spikeball or video games or shooting, and I would watch as she went and had a great time. I would join her on occasion, just to be able to have the time with her and see her happy.

She found a dance mentor, and would leave early in the morning, and spend hours every week, one on one with him, practicing, dreaming, dancing and sharing each other’s passion. I remember the light in her eyes, and the excitement in her demeanor as she described the new moves they were trying, the meditations they did, the intense, impromptu mentoring moments they would share.

I would support her. I would send her on her way with a hug and a kiss, because I wanted to let her find her happiness, even if it took her away from me. I wanted her to know that I supported her, and loved her enough to let her do what she needed to find happiness.

No matter how early she left, I would be up and have breakfast ready for her, even lunch if she was going to be gone all day. No matter how late she got home, I would be up, with her favorite hot Pero-mocha-ccino ready, and listen to her tell me about her day before she fell asleep and I closed up the house.

I would text her during the day, waiting anxiously, hoping she wasn’t doing anything too important and I would be able to hear from her.

This is how much of the year went. For a time, I was excited - I was newly rebaptized, our family was making more money, Marianne and I were still making a difference with our marriage mentoring. I was looking forward to regaining my temple blessings and the priesthood, and baptizing my daughter.We had some amazing moments, exciting trips together, some fun and intense moments of passion and connection.

And then, she would be off to her own world again.

And I started to realize how much I missed Marianne, even when she was home. I didn’t feel like I could express it, because how dare I feel lonely, after what I had done to her. She was my queen, and had stuck by me after I cheated on her. She had endured pain and suffering at my hand, and it was my job to do everything necessary to make her feel loved and appreciated again.

But I watched as she continued to have her emotional needs met by others. By other men. And she would come home, emotionally satiated, and rung out from a day of giving of herself, and I would be there to catch her. Intimacy between us began to consist of me holding her while she fell asleep - or me snuggling up to her sleeping body after laying with one of the kids until they fell asleep. Sexual intimacy became nearly non-existent, which seemed OK to me.  I had long before convinced myself it was unnecessary, mostly because Marianne had told me so often I wanted it too much.

The problem was, I wanted some of her, too. I wanted intimacy, and not just sex. I wanted to connect with her, as my wife and friend - and she often had already given so much to others, I got the leftovers, if there were any.

She started commenting that I was more distant, less diligent in my studies, less willing to take the lead in family prayer and scriptures - so I tried to change even more, so she would be happy. I knew why those things were happening, and I knew why SHE thought those things were happening. I felt I couldn't tell her the truth, that we weren't connecting anymore. I also didn't want her thinking that I was relapsing, so I gave more than I thought I had to be more of the man she wanted.

In the fall, I made a choice that I forever regret. I turned back to pornography to numb the pain I felt. From there, I sought out women online, looking for someone to be interested in me. Someone to talk to. Someone to listen, and validate me as a man. Unfortunately, things became sexual very quickly - though it was by no means exclusively sexual, we never actually met in person. We would email back and forth for most of the day, weaving our conversation through daily chores, schoolwork, kids, sex, the sex we could imagine having with each other, and back to schoolwork and chores. It was all equally exciting for me, for the simple fact that she wanted to be talking to me. She was interested, and engaged in me, and would reach out to talk. She wanted to connect with me, she wanted to be with me, and I felt a portion of me being filled and satisfied by the relationship in a way that was far more than just sex.

Eventually, I felt guilty, and confessed to Marianne. For the first time in our 18 years of knowing each other, I took the first step and told her, before she had the opportunity to find out.

She was convinced it was simply my sexual addiction acting up again, and would hear nothing else, no matter how I tried to explain.She said I was no different than I was before, that I hadn't changed at all. I was still the same sex addict, and she was tired of me not doing anything to change it. I was hurt and confused - hadn't we made the progress together? Hadn't she professed how much I had changed, and how happy she was with me?

But no, she had to be right. I was screwed up, and hadn't changed like I thought I had. I believed her when she said I was the same man I had always been. I believed that all the "progress" we had made was just a lie.

We spent four months in separation, when Marianne decided to end it. It was too much for her to take anymore, and she decided to walk away from me.

I told her I wanted to continue getting better. I wanted to get help, for both of us, for our marriage. I was willing to keep trying.

She said no. She was done. She wanted a man who would treat her like a queen, and take care of her, and not make her cry. She was finished trying to manage my emotions and my behavior, and wanted to set me free to do what she thought would make me happy.

We filed the paperwork ourselves, and I moved out, with no place to stay, no job, $100 cash, and a credit card with $200 on it. I slept in my car, a friend bought a hotel room for me one night, and then a kind family let me have a room in their home until I could find another place.

During this time, Marianne still relied on me to watch the kids while she ran her business activities, so I was back at the house often.

Now, I have found a job, a suitable place to live for a time, and have made new friends.

I don’t see my children often, because Marianne has expressed that I am not welcome at the house, unless she specifically asks for childcare, or otherwise invites me. She also has expressed distrust in the suitability of my new home, and doesn’t want the children visiting me here.

For a time, I was handling it well, but today it all came to a head.

I have held all of this inside, sharing it all with only one other person. I was ready to get it out.

A Good Man

I have been told before, and recently, that I am a “good man”. 

Friends have told me this, bishops, family, my ex-wife, my children. They have all told me I am a good man, a good person. 

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Today, I am reading through my old journals, and reliving the last couple of years of amazing growth and healing, and the past few months that led up to our divorce.

Through counseling, belief breakthrough, reiki healings, Psy-chi, and numerous other healing practices, I have come to believe that, yes, I am a good man. I am a good father. I was a good husband. 

I am good man to have as a friend, a confidante, and playmate. A good man to know when you need advice, or help with moving, or a good recipe for your upcoming potluck. 

It just that, I'm not good enough. 

Not good enough to be a husband you'd want to keep around forever. Not good enough to be able to maintain lasting, intimate relationships with the people I care about. And not good enough to keep from hurting the people I love. 

I am hurting today, because of the pain I have caused for so long. Pain to my ex-wife, my children, my family, and myself. I am in tears, curled up in a blanket on the floor because I have once again failed to be the kind of man my family needs. I have fought for years to make myself better, to be the man who can stand and fight on, and have once again come up short. 

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I know I am strong. I know I am good. I know I am capable, and have amazing potential to help and make a positive difference in the lives of others.

I don’t know if it’s enough. 

I don’t know for how long. 

I don’t know when my strength will give out, and I will fail for the last time. 

But because I AM a good man, I will get up once again. I will wipe my eyes, brush off the dirt and the blood, and keep moving forward. 

Who knows? 

Maybe, this time, it will be enough. 

Being Unconditional With Sex

"I need to have sex."
"I need sex more than my wife does."
"My wife should understand and provide for my need for sex." 

"My wife needs to fulfill all of my sexual needs."

"If my wife loved me more, she would have sex with me whenever I want."

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These are statements that I lived by. I believed them, I collected evidence to support them, and I acted on them.

I was a husband who believed that I needed sexual release in order to be more happy, focused, calm, and connected. If my wife did not have sex with me when I wanted, I blamed her for my anger, my frustration - because, after all, a man needs to have sex to be happy, right? And isn't my wife supposed to fulfill that need for me?

I decided I couldn't trust my wife to make me happy, or to fulfill my needs. I decided that she could not be trusted with my deepest secrets, my desires, or my happiness, because she didn't truly love or understand me - she couldn't, otherwise she would give in to this little thing that I needed. It was so important to me, and she just wouldn't give it.

This went on for years, building and growing inside of me. This belief that I had a need that my wife couldn't, or wouldn't, provide for.

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Our brains keep us alive by acting on evidence. We collect evidence based on the beliefs that we hold - evidence that SUPPORTS THE BELIEF, no matter what the belief is.

• I believed that I NEEDED sex to be happy, so I gathered evidence that if my wife didn't have sex with me, she didn't want me to be happy. 

• I believed she didn't want me to be happy, so I gathered evidence that if she did something that wasn't what I perceived as loving, she must not truly love me. 

• I believed that she must not truly love me, so I gathered evidence that other people must love me more, because they were willing to give me what I thought made me happy. 

See the pattern?

Regardless of the time she spent with me, the gifts she gave, how often she did her best to make me comfortable and happy, even when she started having sex with me more often, I could only see what she wasn't giving me. Where I wasn't being fulfilled. Where my "needs" weren't being met. The evidence not to trust her seemed enormous to me, because that is all I chose to see.

Hurt, anger, frustration, distrust. That is what sex was for us. For many, many years that was all we experienced when it came to sexual intimacy. We were disconnected, and unhappy, because I was never satisfied with what she had to give. 

I decided to trust other women to understand me, and fulfill my needs. I turned first to pornography and masturbation for the release I wanted. I gathered evidence that allowing myself to release in this way was healthy and normal - it was good for me. 

Instead of being fulfilled, my "need" got more intense. I sought out women who would say the words, and do the things that my wife wouldn't - because I "needed" it, and if my wife wouldn't fulfill it, I was justified in finding another way to. 

No matter how it hurt my wife and children, no matter how wrong I knew it was, I had convinced myself that it was the right thing to do, that it was the only way to find the happiness and fulfillment I wanted. I continued turning to addiction and infidelity, because the smallest attention or physical pleasure seemed overwhelmingly better than what I was destroying - because that is what I had chosen to believe, and the evidence I had gathered supported that belief - even though it was destroying my world.

Everything  changed when we came to the edge of divorce.

My wife came to me and told me she loved me, and she knew what I was doing. She knew about the women, and the lies. She wanted to stay married to me, but not to the addiction. Not the distrust. Not the pain. 

That is when I chose to act against the evidence I had gathered, and look for new evidence. I chose to trust in my wife - even though she had not changed how she showed up. My choice to trust her changed the way I behave in our marriage - and I did it without any expectation that she would fulfill that trust. I changed my belief, and as my actions followed suit, I gathered new evidence. 

I chose to believe that sex was not the need I thought it was. 

I chose to believe that intimacy exists separately from sexuality.

I chose to believe that I can be just as happy without sex as I am with it. 

I chose to change how I showed up for, and with, my beloved wife, when it came to our sex life.

As I began living these new beliefs, I gathered evidence that supported them. I let go of my perceived “biological need”, and stopped expecting her to want to have sex every time I did.  I learned that Marianne always, always loves me, and always wants to be intimate, and that her saying "no" only means that sex is not the form of intimacy she needs.

I learned to be unconditional. To allow Marianne to say "no", and still stay present. I would stay emotionally, mentally, and physically engaged with her, so that I could show that it is HER I want - not her vagina and breasts. Not the sex. I want her.

I chose to be happy, no matter how she responded.

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 I have stayed true to my choice, because I believe I made the right choice, even on the days when I feel like my body will explode unless we have sex.

I believe that Marianne is worth giving my trust, and worth waiting for, whether or not she reciprocates, however long it does or does not take.

I believe that whether we have sex once a day, or once a year, it is enough.

I patiently, and lovingly, stay true to myself and my commitment, and I grow in love for her, and for myself. Day by day, I become the man I need me to be.

And every day, I gather more evidence that supports these beliefs, and they become more true. 

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Restoring the intimacy in our marriage has been a journey. Sex is now a beautiful, fun, and emotional way to connect with my wife, because it is based on the correct foundation. Marianne and I share the most passionate physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy, as often as either of us wants, because we have chosen a bottom line: We love each other. We honor each other. We are always connected in love. And we live in the way that makes it true, every single day.

Expecting sex to be the source of the emotions I was looking for left me hollow, disappointed and resentful. Learning to connect with myself, my body, and my wife WITHOUT sex is what creates the happiness, focus, peace, and connection I want in our marriage.

When I want to have sex, we have sex. Or we don't.

Either way, I am just as happy. 

Because in the end, sex is the RESULT of ultimate connection, intimacy, and happiness in marriage - not the source. And in this kind of relationship, there is never a feeling of lack - because I want HER. Not sex. 

That is what making love really is. That is what intimacy in marriage looks like.  

And that is a belief that I will keep finding evidence for. 


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