Grown-ups only act like they know what they are doing

Anthony DeNovellis

January 11 2016· Salt Lake City, UT · 

Limitless Mentoring from my nine-year-old

A conversation as I was trying to usher my children into the van after a get-together at their grandparents:

J: Dad, why are you acting so upset?
Me:Because you guys aren't doing what I have asked you to do.
J: Yes, we are! We do what you ask and then you just tell us to hurry up, and then do this, and then do that, and just keep getting upset.
Me: Well, if you are being obedient, then you don't have to worry about what I am saying or the tone I am saying it in.
J: Well. I don't like your tone, or your attitude right now!
[pause while I slow down to consider which direction to take this conversation]
Me: I don't like it either!
J: Then why are you doing it?
Me: Because mommy seems like she is upset and I am reflecting her attitude.
J: Why are you reflecting it? You don't have to reflect it.
Me: I'm reflecting it because I am not being conscious and I am allowing mommy's attitude to dictate mine.
J: You don't have to do that, and when you do it just makes things worse for us.
Me: You are right. I don't have to at all! Thank you, J, for helping me to calm down and become conscious of my actions.
J: [knowing nod as she buckles herself in]
This was an actual conversation, word for word, that I had with my daughter last night.
This is why we do what we do in Limitless. My daughter has learned that she has a voice and is confident in using it to stand up for what she knows is right, and I am in a space now where I can acknowledge to my child that I am in the wrong, and allow myself to receive a mentoring moment from her.
#limitless #limitlessconnection #outofthenmouthofbabes

Get dressed and go to work

January 7 2016

As I am reviewing my lessons from this past 30-day leap, I came across this section of a talk by Elder Nelson, that I have bookmarked for review. In this retelling of a portion of his life, Elder Nelson's wife gives me strong insight into why I continue with #limitless, and why I continue to grow and share my story and my success
Here is the excerpt:

"Fifty-eight years ago I was asked to operate upon a little girl, gravely ill from congenital heart disease. Her older brother had previously died of a similar condition. Her parents pleaded for help. I was not optimistic about the outcome but vowed to do all in my power to save her life. Despite my best efforts, the child died. Later, the same parents brought another daughter to me, then just 16 months old, also born with a malformed heart. Again, at their request, I performed an operation. This child also died. This third heartbreaking loss in one family literally undid me.

I went home grief stricken. I threw myself upon our living room floor and cried all night long. Dantzel stayed by my side, listening as I repeatedly declared that I would never perform another heart operation. Then, around 5:00 in the morning, Dantzel looked at me and lovingly asked, 'Are you finished crying? Then get dressed...Go to work! You need to learn more. If you quit now, others will have to painfully learn what you already know.'

"If you quit now, others will have to painfully learn what you already know."

This is why I share the pain I have caused, and the struggle that I am going through in my recovery process. So other me not only see the warning signs in their own lives, they see that their is hope and a path ahead of them that leads to peace and joy.

Original Masterpiece

January 3, 2016

This video sums up most of the conversations I have had with God throughout my addiction recovery.

I am his Masterpiece, and I am every bit His son and heir. I learn and recognize that more and more as I release my baggage.

#limitless #godsson #iamamasterpiece

God's Original Masterpiece

We are all God's Masterpiece. God does not make junk. (This is not my video. I have no claim to making this wonderful short film)

YOUTUBE.COM

Marionette

January 3, 2016

I feel like a marionette being wrestled between two puppet masters

I'm writing my moral inventory right now. Step four of the Twelve step program.
As I am writing, as names and faces, situations and actions come and I write them down, the feelings come back with them. I reexperience the emotions, the chemical rushes, and even the memory of the physical sensations. I am working to release these memories so that they no longer have space in my mind and body, and as I do, my addicted programming wants to relive every moment and revel in the feelings, while my conscious decisions and choices label those feelings as bad and harmful ad fight against experiencing it at all.
I am spending as much time curled up and fighting not to be overcome as I am writing.
My brain does not see away out of this situation, and currently my spirit is kind of dragging and pushing brain in the direction I want to go. A lot of struggle going on.

Fortunately, I have tools and processes for releasing this energy and replacing it with new energy that heals and helps me move forward. I will be released from all the memories that currently cloud my perception and I will perceive more of love and light and peace.

Christ loves me and comforts me through this process.

#limitless #addictionrecovery #imnotapuppet

Clothed in Righteousness

December 27, 2015

LB: I have been in the dark and cold so long that righteousness hurts and burns and I am not able to stand it.

NB: I am strength. I am light. I acknowledge my nakedness and I am clothed in righteousness. I stand in Holy Fire and am strengthened and forged as I am made pure. I love the light and heat that gives me life, and I turn not away. I love my life and I receive more of it as I stand and am strengthened.

Studying Adam and Eve in Moses, and I came to this in my pondering

Moses 4:13,16

Adam and Eve, having received knowledge of good ad evil, realized they were naked before the Lord. The words in Moses are "had been naked". In this context, naked means being vulnerable, nothing hidden, nothing between me and my Savior to shield or protect me.In Exodus, "Naked" is translated to "riotous, let loose".
I hardly think that Adam and Eve were riotous. However, if their act of eating the fruit allowed them to be "let loose", that makes more sense. They had disobeyed a direct commandment and therefore were placed in a sinful state, and as Mormon taught, since they were "under a consciousness of [their] filthiness before Him", they were no longer comfortable in his presence (Mormon 9:4), which they had enjoyed before as they walked with Him daily. They had chosen shame in their moment of transgression.

Coming to a consciousness of my own guilt and filthiness is why I have felt so uncomfortable and out of place at church, and at times with the missionaries. I am being brought to see my true nakedness before God, my true vulnerability and guiltiness, and like bare skin before a blazing fire it can hurt and blister and make me miserable, inviting me to do one of two things - run and hide, or cry out for help. Hiding is an attempt to cover myself with things of the world to protect me from the pain and discomfort (this is really a return to the cold and dark). The other option is to "cry mightily unto the Father in the name of Jesus" (Mormon 9:6) and confess and acknowledge my guilt and nakedness, asking to be "clothed with purity, yea, even with the robe of righteousness" so that I can abide the heat.
I have been walking a long time in cold and darkness. I imagine walking up to a bonfire on a cold late-autumn night. I am naked, and so already cold and craving the warmth. As I approach the blaze, the light reveals my nakedness and the intense heat hurts my already tender skin. I could turn back into the dark and cold to cover my nakedness and to "protect" my body from this new pain (because I am already in pain from the cold, and the warmth I naturally generate is not enough to compete with the elements).
Instead, i have chosen to cry out - "Hey! I'm naked, and I'm cold. I want to stay in the warmth and the light, and this fire hurts my skin. Will you please give me something to cover my nakedness?" At this point, the Savior appears with a white robe and drapes it over my shoulders, cinches the belt around my waist, and draws me closer to the fire. My vulnerability is covered in His righteousness, and the natural warmth inside me is harnessed while the robe allows me to draw closer to the holy Fire, absorbing the heat and holding it, warming me and bringing feeling back to my life.
In the past, I have tried to abide the fire of the gospel and of repentance without asking to be clothed to sustain it. Each time in the past, I would stay near the fire until it hurt too much, and then flee from the pain of healing, into the cold because it would initially feel better, only to lead to more cold and numbing. This time, I have stayed, despite the pain of exposure. I have let go of all the shame of being naked and vulnerable, and I am ready to be clothed in His righteousness so I can abide more of the purifying flame.

Because as I do, I am refined and prepared to become the most useful tool in my Heavenly Father's hands. 

More like falling in love

December 21, 2015

This song is very close to me right now, because it is really the journey I am taking. Falling in love with my Savior, and learning that He has always been in love with me, and as that knowledge becomes a part of me, following His pattern of living isn't hard anymore. It is an act of love, not simply belief. It really is giving my heart, not only my allegiance, because my love for Him and His for me bind us in a way that transcends simple loyalty to an ideal.

I am coming to love myself and Marianne more as I come to love my Savior, and have been blessed with clarity and inspiration as my life come more to focus on Him.

Jason Gray - More Like Falling In Love

Music video by Jason Gray performing More Like Falling In Love.

YOUTUBE.COM

Sexual intimacy is the expression, not the source, of connection

December 19, 2015

"Satan often lures people into immorality by playing on their basic needs. He promises pleasure, happiness, and fulfillment. But this is, of course, a deception." - Ezra Taft Benson

Since I was a child, my core desire was to be connected - with others, with myself, with my God. Deep, meaningful connection.

Unfortunately, I was introduced to pornography at a very young age, and it warped my idea of what connection really is. I came to believe that sex, the ultimate expression of connection, was the SOURCE of connection between two people, that if I was physically connecting with someone, then we MUST be connecting on a deeper level. I was continually disappointed and frustrated, believing I was doing something wrong and not understanding why. Continuing in my addiction only caused me to disconnect from people even more, as the guilt and shame of what I was doing became stronger, and so my desire for sex (connection) became insatiable, because it always led to the same cycle. Even sex with my wife did not satisfy my need for connection, because I had the formula backwards.

After many lessons and breakthroughs, the truth has distilled in my mind, and I have cemented it in my mind and in my heart - Sexual intercourse is the ultimate MANIFESTATION of deep human connection. Fulfillment and joy only come when sex is the end result of a deep connection that is already there, which connection can only exist in a MARRIAGE between man and woman, as God has declared.
I am consciously reprogramming my mind, so now every time I desire sex, I recognize that I am truly craving connection - with myself, my spouse, my God - and I act in ways that create true, meaningful connection. This causes the desire for sex to dissipate and be replaced with love.

About Masturbation

As I continued in my addiction, flooding my mind with images and videos that portrayed this facsimile of connection, masturbation became my only source of meaningful connection with myself. Every time I would connect with myself in this way, the result would be self-loathing and grief, rather than the joy and fulfillment I was seeking. As my addiction created a disconnect between me and others, I "connected" with myself more and more, creating more pain and grief and shame inside myself, in an ever-deepening cycle.

Engaging in masturbation is an ultimate form of betrayal - betrayal against the body and self. It is an unnatural and destructive attempt to create connection, one that DISCONNECTS me from myself and from others. I have chosen to never again engage in masturbation, because it causes pain and shame and disconnection from not only the people I love, but myself as well.

I am training my body and mind in new ways of connecting with myself, and am rebuilding trust in myself as I do.

I thank Heavenly Father and my loving, patient wife Marianne for the lessons I have learned and the continue to learn.