After 18 years of wrapping my emotional world around a single woman, it has been hard to extricate myself from the expectation that she should care about me.
Unfortunately (or, perhaps, fortunately) you don't get divorced from someone, you get divorced to someone, especially when children are involved. I am still very much a part of Marianne's life, as we are figuring out this co-parenting thing, and she has found joy in telling me about her dating life.
As I have been listening to her talk about all the guys she has been out with, how cute they are, how often she goes out, how she likes to flirt across the room with cute guys and ask her friends to hook her up, you know what comes up for me?
Oh, you know it -
Jealousy. The green eyed monster that reaches inside and squeezes me behind the sternum, while breathing hot in my face and filling my mind with a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings, what-ifs and why-nots.
Watching the woman I loved for nearly 18 years (yeah, we were high-school sweethearts), telling me with abandon about how she is falling in love with dating and these other men who shower her with attention and affection, I have felt a jealousy that borders on rage.
And you know what? I'm OK with that.
I'm still working on me - my emotional triggers and anchors, my reactions to situations that are no longer my concern, trying to figure out who and what I am, on my own, when I'm not being a doormat. I started out by trying to out-do her dating happiness with my own - who I was making friends with, how much fun I was having, the trips I was planning. Then I realized - I think she was in love with me for the last 18 years, too. She dedicated her life to me, at least for most of that time. If what I am telling her causes her to feel anything like what I am feeling, I don't want to be a part of that - because even though I can't emotion her, I sure can be an influence on the emotions she feels. I chose to start keeping my life a closed book when it comes to what I tell Marianne.
Dealing with jealousy gets to be a part of the work I am doing on myself. In the past month, I have been able to take a good, long look at the green-eyed monster, and how it shows up in my life - and then to look it in the eyes, and tell it that I know where it comes from, and that I know how to remove it.
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I have learned that jealousy shows up in 3 distinct ways in my life, and when I break it down to these three, it is a lot easier to identify and remove the emotion from the facts before I allow it to fester into depression or self-condemnation (still working on the not-lashing-out part of the equation). Here, I'm just touching a bit on what I have learned:
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1.) Longing - The feeling of "I want to be able to do what you do."
When I feel this, I now take a deep look at what I want to create in my life - and then ask if what it is I feel a longing to do will fit into it.
- Does it fit into my life vision to become a skilled and accomplished West Coast Swing Dancer?
Yes, I think it does.
- Does it fit into my life vision to become a professional base-jumper and travel the world parachuting from mountain tops?
Well, um, no, actually...
Asking myself a simple question intellectualizes the emotion, and helps to take away the judgement of the moment :
"Will investing the time and money to create the same level of that skill/ability in myself fit into what I want to create in my life right now?"
If the answer is "Yes", then I start making a plan for how I am going to create that in my life.
If the answer is "No" (and it often is), I let go of the longing, and allow myself to enjoy watching a master at their craft. I have several ways of doing this, having learned from many mentors over the years.
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2.) Envy - The feeling of "I want what you have."
This one is a bit more touchy, and can more quickly transform into unhealthy habits in my life. It has included - "I want your car.", "I want your lifestyle.", "I want your sandwich.", " I want that bauble-thingy on your review mirror."
It can easily turn from a simple desire for a thing or circumstance, and become an obsession to constantly be and have the same as, or more, or better than the next guy - and I would end up wasting a lot of time and money in the pursuit.
I intellectualize this feeling, by applying almost the same question as the last one:
"Will investing the time and money to bring that object/lifestyle into my life, fit into what I want to create in my life right now?"
If the answer is "Yes", then I look at my bank account and start making a plan for how I am going to bring object/circumstance into my life.
If the answer is "No" (and it often is), I let go of the desire for that object/circumstance, and allow myself be happy for the person who has it. I have several ways of doing this, as well.
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3.) Inadequacy - The feeling of "Why didn't...", "If only...", "I wish...", "Not...enough"
"Why didn't she invest this much time and money into dating me, and keeping our marriage healthy?"
"If only I wasn't a scumbag, and was able to regulate and handle my emotions in healthy ways, she would still love me."
"I wish I was a better husband/father/man, because she obviously has had her eye on other men who are better than me. I guess I didn't measure up to the competition."
"I was not good/kind/passionate enough for Marianne to want to keep me."
These are only a few of the things that go through my head when I think about Marianne dating, and some of the most tame. I have run the gamut of self-loathing, doubt, shame, depression, anger, sadness - all because of one belief that I held:
< Marianne chose out of our marriage because I am an inadequate husband, and she wants
a better one. I am not worth the time or effort it would take to help me become the man she wanted, and it was easier to toss me aside and replace me. >
Whether this belief is the truth or not is irrelevant - I have asked Marianne for months why she chose out, and she has yet to answer me. I decided to find my own meaning in what happened.
With this one, I learned to ask myself a different kind of question:
"Am I in control of whether or or not I am adequate for this person?"
A resounding "NO!"
I do not have control over whether Marianne feels that I am adequate, whether as a husband, a father, a dancer, a chef, or a kite-flying kazoo musician. I only have control over how I feel about myself, and how I show up and choose to behave.
The bottom-line truth for me is this - Marianne made a choice, and that choice was to opt out of our marriage. Her choice was 100% her own, and based on her own reasoning. Whatever her reasons were, I know what it is inside me that I need to work on, and I am learning to see the good that I already embody.
When I recognize that I am feeling jealousy that is based in my own feelings of inadequacy, when that green-eyed monster walks up and tells me, "You were never enough, and never will be. There are so many better men out there than you.", I am learning to look him right in the eye and say,
"That isn't up to me. I am enough for me right now, and I am content with who and what I am becoming."
And I am learning to release the feelings of inadequacy, and choose to be grateful for the opportunity to once again look inside myself and do some more healing. It isn't a perfect process yet, but it's working for me as I learn and grow.
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The ending of our marriage was not my choice, but it is what I now have the opportunity to learn and grow from. I have released a lot of beliefs and perceptions that I used to hold, beliefs that for years convinced me I was not a good husband, even while trying to be that good husband.
Yes, for the first ten years of our marriage, I was a hot mess of a husband. I was a porn and sex addict, I lied, I cheated on Marianne, I lost job after job after job. Marianne stayed with me, and I believe it was out of love, and a belief in my ability to change.
Four years ago, though, I chose completely into our marriage, and I started turning my life around, and I became a man that Marianne said she was proud of, and happy to be married to. It was a long, hard road for both of us, and I was convinced that we were on the high road to eternity together. I became a doting husband - waking up early to make breakfast, staying up late to make sure the house was clean when Marianne woke up, studying her every desire so I could best provide for what she wanted and needed. I learned to see deeper into who she is, to love and appreciate her beyond how she looked, or what she did. I learned to simply stop and watch her, and be grateful for the wonderful woman that she is. I overlooked a lot of red flags in the past year, trying to maintain that feeling. In the end, it wasn't enough.
Now, our marriage is over. I am single again. I get to figure out how to create a life on my own, while still being entwined in the life of the woman who chose out of our marriage. I get to learn new lessons about myself, and grow into the man I want to be, instead of the man I am told I need to be. I'm finding my own path, and discovering the wonder it is to not really know what is coming next, and being willing to walk into it anyway.
I am learning to see myself as not only adequate, but as a genuinely good man, who will be a good husband again. some day. It has been hard, some days, to see it, but I have good friends who have helped me. I am growing. I am learning. I am opening myself up to, well, myself.
And so far, I am happy with the progress I am making.
