A Good Man

I have been told before, and recently, that I am a “good man”. 

Friends have told me this, bishops, family, my ex-wife, my children. They have all told me I am a good man, a good person. 

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Today, I am reading through my old journals, and reliving the last couple of years of amazing growth and healing, and the past few months that led up to our divorce.

Through counseling, belief breakthrough, reiki healings, Psy-chi, and numerous other healing practices, I have come to believe that, yes, I am a good man. I am a good father. I was a good husband. 

I am good man to have as a friend, a confidante, and playmate. A good man to know when you need advice, or help with moving, or a good recipe for your upcoming potluck. 

It just that, I'm not good enough. 

Not good enough to be a husband you'd want to keep around forever. Not good enough to be able to maintain lasting, intimate relationships with the people I care about. And not good enough to keep from hurting the people I love. 

I am hurting today, because of the pain I have caused for so long. Pain to my ex-wife, my children, my family, and myself. I am in tears, curled up in a blanket on the floor because I have once again failed to be the kind of man my family needs. I have fought for years to make myself better, to be the man who can stand and fight on, and have once again come up short. 

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I know I am strong. I know I am good. I know I am capable, and have amazing potential to help and make a positive difference in the lives of others.

I don’t know if it’s enough. 

I don’t know for how long. 

I don’t know when my strength will give out, and I will fail for the last time. 

But because I AM a good man, I will get up once again. I will wipe my eyes, brush off the dirt and the blood, and keep moving forward. 

Who knows? 

Maybe, this time, it will be enough.