Do you trust me?

THERE'S NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO TO EARN MY TRUST

Some people who read this will respond with a "yep, me too". These people may have been betrayed enough that they no longer see value in trust.

Some people will ask "Does that mean you don't trust ANYBODY?"

Quite the contrary. Choosing to withhold trust leaves me in a lonely boat.

The "I'm right and you wronged me" boat.The place where, even with righteous indignation, I am still alone - because I am waiting for that magic moment when my trust is "earned", by some combination of correct actions and words.

But the combination is always changing - because I am always changing.

Some people will read that statement and say "Hang on a second, that's not right." I used to think that, too, because I always thought trust was something I could literally give to another person. It's not.

Trust isn't a thing. It's an idea.

An idea that changes how I SHOW UP. 

An idea that changes how I BEHAVE. 

What I think is trust in another, is really a reflection of how I choose to show up. The question isn't, "Has this person earned my trust?" it is, "Do I choose to trust in my belief that this time will be different?"

Our brains keep us alive by acting on evidence. We collect evidence based on the beliefs that we hold - evidence that SUPPORTS THE BELIEF, no matter what the belief is.

If I believe that a person is trustworthy, I will collect evidence and act on that belief - no matter how they choose to behave.

If I believe that a person is untrustworthy, I will collect evidence and act on that belief - NO MATTER HOW THEY CHOOSE TO BEHAVE!

Trust is a choice, one that I get to make over and over. Whether I choose to trust or not reflects where my belief system is, no matter how others behave.
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For years, I decided I couldn't trust my wife to make me happy, or to fulfill my needs. I decided that she could not be trusted with my deepest secrets, my desires, my happiness.

Regardless of the time she spent with me, the gifts she gave, how often she did her best to make me comfortable and happy, I felt betrayed by the smallest thing. The evidence not to trust her seemed enormous to me, because that is all I chose to see.

I decided to trust other women to understand me, and fulfill my needs. No matter how it hurt my wife, my kids, and me, I continued turning to addiction and infidelity, because the smallest attention or physical pleasure seemed overwhelmingly better than what I was destroying - because that is what I chose to see.

That changed when we came to the edge of divorce.

That is when I chose to act against the evidence I had gathered. I chose to trust in my wife -even though she had not changed how she showed up.

My choice to trust changed the way I behave in our marriage - and I did it without any expectation that she would fulfill that trust. I changed my belief, and as my actions followed suit, I gathered new evidence.
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The choice to extend trust is mine alone. I make that choice based both on evidence, and my belief in people's ability to change.

A liar is not always a liar. 

A cheater is not always a cheater.

An abuser is not always an abuser.

I know, because I used to be all three.

Some say a leopard can't change its spots. 

I agree. 

People aren't leopards. We change all the time. 

I know, because I did.

The next time you choose to withhold trust, recognize that you are doing so based on YOUR beliefs, and the evidence you have collected.

        Has the liar stopped lying?
        Has the cheater changed his patterns?
        Has the abuser turned his life around?

If you choose to put a blanket of distrust on those that have wronged you, you have professed a belief against their ability to change.

And you could be missing out on some amazing relationships.

I trust you, because I believe in you. If you betray that trust, it's ok. I still believe in you.

And I will trust you again.