Becoming Unconditional with Sex

There is a video going around Facebook right now, titled “Married Sex During the Week”. It consists of a man suggestively rubbing his wifes back, while she, in impatience and disgust, makes excuse after excuse to dissuade him – I did a lot of laundry and I’m tired; I haven’t showered in three days, and I smell like a bag of onions; I don’t want to cuddle, because cuddling means your pants will come off and I will have to do things; Are you pouting? You’re pouting, aren’t you? – as the days of the week tick by.

Eventually, on Friday night, in exasperation she tells her husband that she can give him five minutes, so he has to be fast and just get it done.

The caption to the video? “How many can relate to this?” With laughing emojis.

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Watching this struck a chord, and not a funny one. If this video really does feel familiar to you, you know as well as I do how not-funny it really is to want to share the ultimate intimacy with your spouse, and being told no. Or to be the one to say no.

I remember when this was the norm in my marriage - right down to the disgust and exasperation on my wife's face. I remember asking for sex and being told no. I remember feeling rejected and wondering what was wrong with her - and what was wrong with me. I would roll away from her, sometimes getting up and sleeping somewhere else.

And I remember when she would give in just to shut me up.

She didn't trust me to cuddle, because I took it as an invitation for sex. We stopped cuddling.

She said "no" so often, I stopped trusting that she ever actually wanted to be intimate, and only did to make me stop asking. I stopped asking, refusing to be vulnerable.

Eventually, physical contact stopped altogether.

Hurt, anger, frustration, distrust. This is what sex was for us. For many, many years that was all we experienced when it came to sexual intimacy. We were disconnected, and unhappy.

What changed?

I did. I chose to change how I showed up for, and with, my beloved wife, when it came to our sex life.

I chose to let go of my perceived “biological need”, and stopped expecting her to want to have sex every time I did.

I chose to make cuddling just that - nothing more, so I could learn to appreciate just having her close.  

I chose to trust that Marianne always, always loves me, and always wants to be intimate. That her saying "no" only means that sex is not the form of intimacy she needs.

I chose to be unconditional. To allow Marianne to say "no", and to stay present, stay emotionally, mentally, and physically engaged with her, so that I could show that it is HER I want - not her vagina and breasts. Not the sex. I want her.

I chose to be happy, no matter how she responded.

I made that decision over a year ago. It has been a journey. Months of conversations, listening to what she needs and wants, likes and dislikes, what makes her feel loved. I made mistakes. There were times I became frustrated. There were times I still felt hurt and rejected. Earning her trust seemed an impossible task.

I kept going. I stayed true to my choice. I chose to believe I was doing the right thing and moving in the right direction, even when I made mistakes. Even on the days when it felt that my body would explode if I we didn’t have sex.

I chose to believe that Marianne is worth giving my trust, and worth waiting for, whether or not she reciprocates, however long it does or does not take.

And in that time, Marianne made her own choices. She had her own journey to travel. It took her longer than I thought, longer than I wanted, to begin trusting me again.

I waited.  Patiently, lovingly, and staying true to myself and my commitment, until she was ready. I grew in love for her, and for myself. Day by day, I became the man she needed.

And every moment of the journey is worth it. Every heart ache. Every prayer. Every time I turned to the Lord for what I needed. Every moment of growth was worth it.

Every. Single. One.

And now, Marianne and I share the most passionate physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy, as often as either of us wants, because we have chosen a bottom line: We love each other. We honor each other. We are always connected in love. And we live in the way that makes it true, every single day.

Because in the end, sex is the RESULT of ultimate connection and intimacy, not the source. And in this kind of relationship, there is never a feeling of lack. Whether we have sex once a day or once a year, it is enough - because I want HER. Not sex. 

Marianne, I am sorry for the time in our marriage when you couldn't trust me. I am sorry for not trusting you.

Thank you for taking the time to let me back in.

I love you.

#limitlessconnection

#howtoman

Steward over the Rising Royalty

Tonight, As I was laying our baby daughter down again ( for the third time) I had a moment of insight as to my greatest failing as a parent.

She did not want to lay down, or take her bottle. She wanted to be held. I was tired, and wanted to go back to bed myself. Normally, I would lay her down and walk away as she cried, convinced she was ok to cry herself to sleep ( and she usually does). This time, God put the thought in my heart to wait, give up that extra fifteen minutes of sleep, and hold her until she drifted off.

As I held her, a small vision opened up to me. I saw her as she truly is in that moment - an ancient spirit, filled with the knowledge and training of eons, feeling tired and worn after a day of training this mortal body. She just wanted a moment to be held and supported by her Captain who loves her - the man she inherently knows to trust, because she knows I have been there too.

I often see my children as only that - children. Small people who either can't, or won't, do things for themselves, ask an inordinate number of questions, avoid doing their housework, and quarrel with each other - and then burst into tears over the smallest things and want to be held and cuddled and comforted (often at what seem to be inconvenient times).

In seeing them this way, I am cut off from knowing them. Being able to help them, to know how best to guide them, because I forget who they truly are. I fail to see the divine child of God, the inherent Queen or King that is their eternal nature. The Warriors sent here to fightGods battles.

My children are not mine at all. I am the steward of their childhood, their protector, their mentor, their accountability partner, their friend. It is my stewardship to train and teach them, individually and together, how to thrive in this battlefield of earthly life, and do so with their crowns on and ready to step into their own kingdoms.

And here is the most poignant part - everything they do, say, or express is a product of how I have trained them, or failed to train them. It is my action or inaction towards them that has trained them to behave as they do.

When they do something I don't like, I trained them to behave that way - either by my words, my example, or both.

My children's behavior is a direct result of my behavior towards them. They are living out the training I have given them.

And in that moment, holding my little queen as she fell asleep in my arms, I realized:

I need to step up my game.

#limitless
#dadwin
#howtodad

Nails in a Fence

Anthony DeNovellis

October 2 2016

This is the Atonement version. Share it everywhere so we can get the truth out!

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never bethe same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. It takes time and care to heal. The deeper the wound, the more care and time it will take."

The little boy then understood how powerful his words were. He looked up at his father and said "I hope you can forgive me father for the holes I put in you."

"Of course I can," said the father.

As the boy looked at the fence, and the holes he had made, he realized something.

"But dad, this fence can't heal itself. How do we fill the holes? How can I make the fence whole again? "

"Son, even if we fill them, the holes will still be there. But there is a principle that does allow you to make the fence whole again. It takes time, and a lot of work."

"I want to make the fence whole again. How do I do it?"

The father took the son to the lumber store, and showed him the materials and the tools he needed. When they returned home, he taught his son how to remove the damaged boards, and nail the new ones in place.

Day after day, the young man came to the fence, removing damaged boards, and nailing new ones in place. When some of them were crooked, his father was there to help and correct him.

Finally, the last board was replaced. The young man stood with his father before the fence.

"Well done, my son. You have worked hard, you have taken the time, and now this fence is whole again."

By words or actions, we cause wounds in ourselves and others. There are "fresh starts" in life. There is always a new beginning, when you are willing to make the effort. Forgiveness comes easy for many people, but the scars of the past require time, care, and work before they are made whole.

Christ's atonement allows for repentance, and for all wounds to be made whole and new.

The King Has Returned

Sept 19 2016

This past weekend, our Limitless Inner Circle had a retreat, where we were trained on how to step into our Divine Warrior and Divine Goddess energies.

I spent three days with 60 of my brothers, pushing each other to our emotional, spiritual, and physical limits. We worked, we fought, we played, we cried. We prayed to our God that we would become the men our Queens and Goddesses need.

As part of the this process, we each chose and declared a warrior name, and a standard for which we each stand.

This is mine:

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TITLE OF FIDELITY

I Am a son of the Mighty Father.
I Am a King.
I Am Pure and Faithful .
I Protect the Queen

In Fidelity to my God, my religion, my freedom, Marianne and my children, I am WARRIOR WHO STANDS READY!

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This weekend, I accepted and stepped into my role as a leader. I shifted. I released.

I found what I had cast away so long ago - my true identity. I am in alignment with who I have always been: A Leader, a Father, a Mentor, a Friend, a Warrior.

Standing, fighting, growing, stumbling, and learning with my brothers, my warriors, I see who I am. I see who you are.

These are the lessons I learned this weekend:

• 
  
• My place is firmly with the men.
• Though I may stumble, I remain upright and moving toward my goal.
• My burdens become light when I am helping the man next to me.
• I appreciate, and take joy and pleasure and strength in my current situation, even when moving full speed through it.
• I use my strength at all times safely and appropriately.
• Strength may fail. Power is limitless.
• Love is the only true power I have.

I woke up yesterday full of energy, strength, and determination. Marianne and I shared a deep, sacred, intimate experience, where I was able to finally, after so many years, choose into being the man she has always known me to be. I looked into her eyes and told her that I accept myself - every part of myself, everything I have ever done, I accept it. I accept who I am and the mission I committed to before I came here.
And for the first time, I saw her as my Sister, my divine friend and help meet, and I saw what we shared on the other side of the veil. I saw her as she was when she held my hands and looked into my eyes, and we committed to find each other on this earth, and stand side by side, and back to back, to protect, to serve, and to honor each other through this battleground. I remember my commitment to her.

I cried. I held her to my chest as she cried.

I mourned for my lost children, Catherine and Edmund. Marianne held me as I sobbed into her chest, feeling the pain and sorrow of losing them. I realized that though they have passed from this world, they still look to me as their father. My little girl will someday be sealed to a man, and she looks to me to for who he should be - I may even have the privilege to be training her future husband. My little boy looks to me to train him how to be a warrior, even though he has no physical battle to fight - he wants and needs me to live as a true man so he can know how to help others end their spiritual battles.

I am Warrior Who Stands Ready.
I am a Guardian of Virtue and Purity.
I am a Father over our Tribe.

And this is why I AM LIMITLESS!

My warrior brothers, AHO!

#limitless

Choose Your Own Emotions

August 30 · 2016

Complete truth.

Emotions do not happen to you, you choose them. If you are sad, you are choosing to be sad. If you are angry, you are choosing to be angry.

If you are happy, it is because you are choosing to be happy.

No person or situation, ever, is powerful enough to "make" you feel anything.

You choose your reality, and all the emotions attendant to it.

#limitless #limitlesspersonalpower

The Fairy Tale I wish I had been told

Anthony DeNovellis

August 23 · 2016

Last night I spent a few hours celebrating my good friends bachelor party. I have not laughed so hard in a long time! (No details here, though videos may hit Facebook soon)

Normally, bachelor parties are seen as a "last hurrah!" before a man steps into marriage and parenthood, but last night was the opposite. We all parted knowing that this was just the beginning of an even more exciting chapter for all of us.

As I can home a little after midnight, I pondered on the advice I had shared, and realized it was such a little a thing I had shared, compared to what marriage and parenthood really is:

The feeling when i come home late and my wife's still awake, just so she can kiss me goodnight.

Finally laying down, just to get right back up to change and feed the crying baby so my wife can sleep.

Waking up at 4:30 am, after 3 hours of sleep, because i promised my kids i would make cinnamon rolls for their first day of school.

Taking a van full of kids to meet their teachers before the first day of school, and then on their first fishing trip. Them watching some of them be thrilled, some disgusted, as the fish are gutted and cooked.

Sleeping on the couch because Little Man wants to cuddle with his mommy and sleeps like a starfish.

The shock and joy when my wife holds up a pregnancy test with two faint blue lines.

The shock and fear and shame when she tells me there is more month left than money.

Holding her hand and her space as my wife endures childbirth, feeling helpless and sometimes useless until my child enters this world screaming and then quiets as she is placed in my arms, and knowing I am who she will depend on for at least the next two decades.

Sleepless nights in the hospital, waking up at every abnormal beeping of the machines because I am convinced something is wrong.

The anger and sometimes fear when dealing with disobedient children.

The heart-expanding, tear-jerking upswell of love when my child wants nothing more than to just be held by me, and only me.

Laughing together while having "mommy-daddy time", and little hands are knocking and pushing things under the locked door for us to admire, and then looking into my wife's eyes and seeing only complete love and trust and admiration.

And then all of those ordinary, every day moments when I am stopped in my tracks, captured by her beauty, her strength, her resilience and power and intelligence and faith, and falling in love all over again because I know that she chose me, and chooses me every single day, as I choose her.

Nothing anyone told me was able to prepare me for what I have experienced these past 13 years, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Marriage is an ever-changing adventure, where she and I are never the same people, our life together breathes and grows and strengthens in ways I don't always understand.

I love you, Marianne. Thank you for all these years of choosing in.

Lessons from my Tribe

Anthony DeNovellis

August 14 · 2016

If you could create the life you want in three days, would you do it?

I spent Friday night and yesterday with my Limitless Inner Circle ohana, a group of ordinary people who have Chosen to become a family and do extraordinary, miraculous things.
These are a few of the lessons I learned from the processes we experienced together these past two days:

The Wall
I am a leader. All ways, and in all times, I am a leader, only because people trust me. When I speak, when I step up, those around me listen and respond. And I realized that it is because I have done something, or many things, that in their eyes merit trust. I am a leader because I am one of them - and I am trusted to have the knowledge and skill to uplift the group and bring us together as one.

Speed Greatness
Manifesting my desires, the act of calling forth what I want and expect with no prior evidence, is a real and powerful part of my identity. As I collected the phrases and words others had used to describe me as a man, I was humbled by what they saw in me - love, hero, supportive, kind, leader, authentic, celebration, likable. I was more humbled when, as I was placing them in my notebook, I found a page I had written over a year ago, titled What Manner of Man Am I. I had written in it what I wanted to be in my life, how I want to live and be remembered. Each label I had collected during that Inner Circle exercise was represented on that page. I have become and am becoming the man I saw and spoke into being.

Circle of Abundance
It is never about money. Experiences are what you take with you.
Sitting in a circle of a hundred close friends, we passed hundreds of thousands of dollars from hand to hand, representing the current of money. I was reawakened to the principle that money is nothing more than a tool. Whether I possess it for two seconds, two days, or twenty years, the result is always the same- I pass it on to someone else. I was in possession of more than $100,000 , multiple times. It was petty cash. A paltry sum when compared with the value I have gained and the memories I have made. It is easy, fun, and brings joy to create, accept, and then pass on hundreds of thousands of dollars. The real joy is in the service done with it, the lives touched and memories made. Money hoarded and stockpiled is damned up, and keeps me from experiencing and creating the memories and bonds that make life worth living.

New Lyrics - I am a child of God

Anthony DeNovellis

July 16 · 2016

Singing our baby to sleep last night, I was inspired with new lyrics to a favorite song - lyrics that express where I am in my life right now:

I am a child of God, and He has sent me here; 

Has sent me here to build home, with family kind and dear.

CHORUS
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find The Way. 

Teach me more that I can do to live with Him today

I am a child of God, and so my needs are great. 

Help me to understand His words because it's not too late!

CHORUS

I am a child of God, rich blessings are my store! 

As I have learned to do His will, I'm His forevermore!

CHORUS

I am a child of God. His promises are sure! 

Celestial glory now is mine, as I choose to endure!

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me, help me find The Way! 

Teach me more that I can do, to see His face today.

I found my place

July 15 · 2016

Ankle escapade end Day 1:

My queen is asleep, her foot propped on several pillows and iced, blankets tucked and painkillers taken. The young prince cuddling her in as much protection as he can muster.

I learn more each time I am called to support and care for Marianne beyond the everyday. This time, I finally begin to see my place in her life.

She is the goer, and the doer. She stands strong in the public light, planning and positioning an blessing the world with her power and her healing, and her unique brand of unconditional love. I am so proud of her, and feel blessed every day she chooses me as the one to end each day with.

I used to believe I had to Match her. Be equal to her accomplishments. Do everything she does, the way she does. This time around, I see just how much she relies on me to show up to support her, and how much faith she puts in me.

Right now, I am awake because she may need help adjusting before she can sleep. When the baby cries tonight, I am the one who will rock her back to sleep. I am the one who will pack her things for camping tomorrow. I cook her meals and help her to the bathroom. I make the Facebook post requesting help, arrange babysitters, doctors visits.

I have changed myself, to the point that other honorable men and women feel comfortable coming to my home to celebrate and heal my queen with words and energy of light. I provide for them, their needs and their comfort.

I do not match my Queen in the amazing things she does, because that is her awesomeness.

I am my own kind of awesomeness.

I am Anthony.
I am a warrior king.
I provide, preside, and protect.
I protect the Queen.

I know who I am.

enticed by Evil

July 10 2016

“the Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself. Wherefore, man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other” 2 Nephi 2:16

What is enticing about opposition? What is attractive about the setbacks, the disasters, the "bad" things that happen to us?

Why does choosing to be unhappy seem to feel better than choosing to be happy?

When we choose to be unhappy, it is because we found unhappiness to be more attractive than the countering happiness.

Why?

Because for that particular unhappiness, there is a belief that we hold that allows choosing unhappiness to make our life make sense. We gain a sense of satisfaction, because we proved ourself "right".

So ask yourself - Does it feel better to be happy, or to be right?

Clear out to receive

July 9 2016

Creating miracles requires a broader perspective, and the ability to perceive more options.

Limiting beliefs take up unconscious space in our perception, which limits the the options we can see.

The process of Belief Breakthrough clears out limiting beliefs and makes more room in our perception for us to see more options.

Want more miracles to happen in your life? Clear out the beliefs that limit you.

#limitless #miracles #unconditional

All you need is love - your own

Anthony DeNovellis

July 9 · 2016

Think about this. We are discussing love in our Inner Circle retreat.

You do not need the love of any other person.

Every block in your life, every setback, can be traced back to a feeling of not feeling worthy of love and acceptance.

The more you seek the love of others, the more unsatisfied you are, because you can never get enough of what you don't need. All the love you need is found in your love for yourself.

Preemptive Forgiveness

Anthony DeNovellis

July 9 · 2016

What would it look like if you forgave someone before they had done anything to you?

The Savior instructed, "As I have loved you, love one another."

He love me enough to forgive all of my sins and shortcomings, long before I was ever born and able to commit them. There is not a thing a have done or will do that He has not already forgiven.

That is part of the love He asks use to give to EVERY person.

So look at your family, friends, strangers on the street. Who has hurt you, offended you, made you angry or sad.

How would it change your life if you had already forgiven them?

#limitlessconnection #unconditional

Husbands Saving Marriage

Aloha, Ohana men!

I have created a new group that I want every husband to join. it is public, so invite your friends as well.

It is a group for husbands to support one another with ideas and stories of what is working to increase connection and intimacy in their marriages.

Come join us and together we can improve the quality of marriage, and help save those marriages that need it!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/622149717948807/

More unconditional

June 7 2016

I have seen articles that say happiness in marriage is on a steady decline.

I have lived a marriage that declined from newly-wed bliss to the angry, contentious hell of near-divorce.

Many marriages are riddled with miscommunication, mistrust and feelings of lack of safety. There are deep emotions like pain, anger, depression. Circumstances like trauma, loneliness, betrayal or addiction. And often times, blame prevails.

People think more money will solve their problems.

People think more time will solve their problems.

People think more sex will solve their problems.

And then people think, "If only the other person would change, we would be happy..."

And the truth is, THE SOLUTION DOESNT COME FROM EXTERNAL SOURCES.

It is possible for you and your spouse to unite. It is possible for both of your needs to be met happily. It is possible for YOU alone to change everything in your relationships, if you understand the practical steps to living and loving unconditionally. I live an use these steps daily now, in my marriage and every other relationship I have.

Becoming unconditional is the key to all the happiness, sexual fulfillment, rock-star parenting, and being a human being, that changes the world.

UNCONDITIONAL

Firewalk!

June 5 2016

What fires in your life have you walked through?

Divorce? Sickness? Disappointment? Job loss? Addiction?

Did it hurt? Does it still hurt?

Have you ever asked yourself why?

Last night, I walked through fire. Not figuratively, either. These were 1600 degree hot coals I had watched burn down from a huge pile of juniper logs.

The man leading told us it was all about choice . Do we choose to walk through the fire, or do we avoid it? How do we approach the fire before walking? Are we afraid? What is our perception of the fire? Does fire hurt?

And then he said something I will never forget: The fire, and how we approach it, is simply a mirror of how we approach life.

Are we afraid? Do we hesitate? Doe we think it will hurt?

I walked across the coals. I was afraid, and I didn't understand why. I crossed without facing the fear, rather I crossed in spite of the fear.

And I got burned. 2nd degree burn blisters covered a good portion of my feet. I could not walk without extreme pain, and spent a good portion of the night with my feet in a tub of cold water.

The important part, I accepted my mistake. I apologized to myself for crossing before I was ready, and I forgave me. I thanked my feet for supporting me and performing their healing work perfectly.

That happened at 9 pm last night. By 8 am this morning, my feet were healed. The skin had toughened, the blistered were gone, and the pain was no more than a minor abrasion. I put on my shoes and walked into church this morning.

Brothers and sisters, we have all the power within us to heal ourselves. I can teach you how, if you are willing to believe in the possibility.

How long will you hold on to pain? Are you ready to let it go?

#limitless #limitlesspower