Sexual intimacy is the expression, not the source, of connection

December 19, 2015

"Satan often lures people into immorality by playing on their basic needs. He promises pleasure, happiness, and fulfillment. But this is, of course, a deception." - Ezra Taft Benson

Since I was a child, my core desire was to be connected - with others, with myself, with my God. Deep, meaningful connection.

Unfortunately, I was introduced to pornography at a very young age, and it warped my idea of what connection really is. I came to believe that sex, the ultimate expression of connection, was the SOURCE of connection between two people, that if I was physically connecting with someone, then we MUST be connecting on a deeper level. I was continually disappointed and frustrated, believing I was doing something wrong and not understanding why. Continuing in my addiction only caused me to disconnect from people even more, as the guilt and shame of what I was doing became stronger, and so my desire for sex (connection) became insatiable, because it always led to the same cycle. Even sex with my wife did not satisfy my need for connection, because I had the formula backwards.

After many lessons and breakthroughs, the truth has distilled in my mind, and I have cemented it in my mind and in my heart - Sexual intercourse is the ultimate MANIFESTATION of deep human connection. Fulfillment and joy only come when sex is the end result of a deep connection that is already there, which connection can only exist in a MARRIAGE between man and woman, as God has declared.
I am consciously reprogramming my mind, so now every time I desire sex, I recognize that I am truly craving connection - with myself, my spouse, my God - and I act in ways that create true, meaningful connection. This causes the desire for sex to dissipate and be replaced with love.

About Masturbation

As I continued in my addiction, flooding my mind with images and videos that portrayed this facsimile of connection, masturbation became my only source of meaningful connection with myself. Every time I would connect with myself in this way, the result would be self-loathing and grief, rather than the joy and fulfillment I was seeking. As my addiction created a disconnect between me and others, I "connected" with myself more and more, creating more pain and grief and shame inside myself, in an ever-deepening cycle.

Engaging in masturbation is an ultimate form of betrayal - betrayal against the body and self. It is an unnatural and destructive attempt to create connection, one that DISCONNECTS me from myself and from others. I have chosen to never again engage in masturbation, because it causes pain and shame and disconnection from not only the people I love, but myself as well.

I am training my body and mind in new ways of connecting with myself, and am rebuilding trust in myself as I do.

I thank Heavenly Father and my loving, patient wife Marianne for the lessons I have learned and the continue to learn.