For those who have seen Marianne and me together, you have seen the love we have, the connection, and the honor we have for each other. For most of our marriage, that has not been the case.
Many of you have heard me speak of my infidelity, and have supported me in my recovery over the past year and a half. I am sharing my story now because I have come so far from a place of despair and hopelessness and into a space of light, healing, and connection, that I want everyone to know there is hope. Hope for change and healing and reconciliation. Please share this on your page, in your groups, tag your friends. I want as many people as possible to begin their healing journey.
In my marriage, there is no single thing I have done that is as damaging and painful as making the choice to cheat on my wife. I spent months of hiding, lying, and treating Marianne like she was dirt under my feet. At one point, I stormed out of the house and drove fourteen hours to be with a woman I was convinced loved me and understood me. I had given in fully to the sex addiction that I have fought since I was eight years old, and had become convinced that living in the addiction was better than without it. I felt no remorse, no guilt. Nothing. Nothing but the physical pleasure. I was willing to go as far as necessary to keep it.
Then I was caught. Marianne found evidence on my phone, and was devastated, because she finally had the proof of what she had believed for so long.In so much love and kindness, she invited me to meet together with a counselor so we could talk and work it out.
I ran. Again, I ran. I ran to the arms of yet another woman who said she understood me. I was lost, and I was terrified. I knew Marianne knew, yet I could not confess it. I wanted it to stay hidden and just disappear; I knew it wouldn't. My mind, my spirit, my body, all were in darkness, and in my mind was a constant howling, painful and evil and overwhelming. There was no way I could go home, no way I could ever come back from this. I had gone too far, committed the most abominable of sins, and had no hope for recovery. I told Marianne and the other women that I had no desire to live with this, and I was ready to end my life.
At the mouth of a canyon I parked my car for a moment, pulling together my thoughts and offering that last prayer that something would happen to break me free. And it did. A police officer pulled up behind me, and began to talk to me. Marianne had called in my intention, and this officer was there because he wanted to help me - he even offered to take me to breakfast so I could have someone to talk to. And then three more police cars pulled up, and it started looking like a party.
I did not have a huge turnaround at that moment. I did receive just enough that I decided to live, if only because others wanted me to. I thanked the officers. I drove off. I knew in that moment i was going to call Marianne, and I was terrified. Something she was always telling me came back to mind - All it takes is ten seconds of bravery.
I called her. We arranged to meet. I showed up and waited.
When she walked in, all that was in me threw up shields and walls, and barriers, expecting an onslaught of anger and tears and accusations, all of which I felt i deserved and was ready to receive as evidence that I was a horrible person.
She was calmed, composed, and strong. She told me she loved me, that she always had. She wanted us to be married and to be an eternal family. She told me that she had a meeting with a lawyer the next day to discuss divorce, and was ready to sign the papers. Her answer to prayer, however, was that she was to stay with me.
So, she left it to me. Did I want to stay married and finally heal from this hell? Or do I want the other women and what they claim to offer me?
I didn't know. I looked at her, and she gave no indication either way. I was alone to make the decision, and I honestly did not know if I wanted to stay married or not. So, I took another ten seconds of bravery, and made a decision. I cut all ties with that life, with those women, and I dedicated myself, weak and scared and not even sure I was making the right choice, to that decision.
In the months following that decision, I have relapsed. I have abstained. I have lied. I have found new levels of honesty. I have hidden my actions out of fear. I have confessed my actions. Emotional roller coaster does not even begin to describe the what I was going through.
I found out who my friends are. I released some, and I found more. Marianne and I have built a family of supporters, all of whom know our story, and love me as much as her, and support us no matter what - more so than my own family ever has. They push us to greatness, and don't ever allow us to give up, or justify us in our crap. I love them, and they love me, flaws and all, because I continue to honor that one decision I made to stay married.
I stand today as a man. I share this with you without feeling ashamed. I am at peace with what I did. I regret ever making the choice to betray my wife, and I work every day to repair the damage I did to her and our family. I am not perfect at it, and sometimes I want to question if I really am moving forward. And I keep moving forward.
Marianne and I are more in love now that we have ever been. We have both chosen into unconditional love for ourselves and each other. We talk, and laugh, and connect in deep and spiritual ways, working together.
Marianne is the love of my life, and the knowledge and skills she has for overhauling a marriage come from her overcoming the hell I put her through, and being able to forgive me and love me still.
She can help you and your marriage, and she is in it for the long haul. Call her, PM her, email her. Sign up for her mentoring program and you will experience change in your life like you can't believe. I have seen it in our marriage, and in the marriages of those she has helped.
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