This time of night, introspection really happens for me. Everyone is asleep, the lights are out, and I'm alone with my thoughts and the sound of crickets outside my window.
I used to enjoy the night, as a kid. Reading books under my covers, playing game boy, sneaking cartons of ice cream or cheesecake out of the freezer. Late nights always seemed like my time to do what I wanted while no one was around to stop me.
As I got older, that turned nefarious, and what I wanted became destructive, to me and those I love. Some of my most devastating decisions were made in the dark, in the quiet and loneliness of the night. I started yearning for the dark hours of the night, when I knew I could get away with anything, because I was alone and there wasn't anyone awake to stop me.
An then came the time when I wanted to get better. I wanted to heal, to make the decisions that bring life instead of tragedy. I became afraid of being alone in the night - afraid of what I would think, what I would feel, what I would do. I became an intense morning person, so that going to bed early looked natural, and I wouldn't be left alone at night, with my thoughts and desires, when I was alone and no one was awake to stop me.
Tonight, I breathe in deep and look around my kingdom. I lock the doors and windows, I tuck in sleeping kids, clean up some dishes from dinner. And then I sit. I breathe. I think about my Savior and my friends and my family. And I am not alone. I am at peace.
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